6 May 2022
Question
Every family is a mixed bag. It's not always easy to get on with everyone, and inevitably people say things and do things that annoy or upset each other. Sometimes it leads to serious rifts and arguments. Many people I know don't talk to certain family members because of ‘this’ or ‘that’.
In Jewish life, what is it that keeps families together? How do Jews stay connected despite the conflicts that typically happen in family life? Is there a secret sauce that makes Jewish families special? Or am I blind, and they are not?
Answer
Jewish families are not immune to conflict. Sadly, there are plenty of split families in our community. We even have our own word for family feuds - broiges .
But I do believe that the very concept of family is still strong in our community, far more so than in the general community. Which is why the Jewish family is a formidable force.
A quick look at the basics of Jewish life will show how central the family is to being Jewish.
The Jewish calendar is full of family events. We have our weekly Shabbos get-togethers, regular Yomtov gatherings, Seder dinners and Rosh Hashana lunches. The Jewish year is experienced around the family table.
Jewish ideals and values all point towards the family. We encourage marriage, not just for old-fashioned romantics, but as the ideal relationship for all to strive towards. Having children is more than a biological urge, it is a mitzvah, a moral obligation. Honouring parents is one of our highest ideals, and respect for the elderly is ingrained into our collective psyche.
Our Holy Book, the Torah, tells the story of the beginnings of Judaism as a family tale. The Book of Genesis is a narrative of the dramas faced by couples, parents and siblings. The founder of Judaism, Abraham, is called "our father", and Sarah, the first Jewish woman, "our mother." The Jewish people are not an order or a sect, we are a family.
This emphasis on family is unique to Judaism. Some other religions idealise celibacy, which is not exactly great for families. Others make heroes out of warriors or lonely saints. Our heroes are mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters.
The Jewish view also contrasts greatly with the modern secular outlook, which is certainly not encouraging of family. The icons of pop culture are rarely in stable and loyal relationships, nor are they portrayed as attentive and devoted parents. That stuff is simply not cool.
Beliefs have consequences. When your value system views family as central to building a good society, then families will be strong. If family is not seen as important, it won't be.
And when you lose family, you lose a lot. Family is where we learn identity, where our life gains a context and a history, where we learn how to get on with people, where we are given responsibility to past generations and future. It is through the family that we become a mensch.
Jewish families, like others, can be overbearing, annoying and stifling. And yes, some families are dysfunctional, and you may need to seek family support from others. But it is a tragedy when a good family is split by broiges .
It can happen to anyone. But it helps to remember just how precious family is. Living Jewishly makes that hard to forget.
