31 October 2025
Question
I attended the funeral of my ex-husband. I wouldn’t have gone for his sake. I’m still angry at him. I went for my kids. I was surprised to be told that because we were civilly divorced, but I never bothered to get a Jewish divorce, we are still considered married, and that I have to observe the mourning laws. Does it really make sense for me to sit Shiva for a man I barely spoke to for seventeen years, just because we once had a wedding ceremony together?
Answer
In Judaism, we don’t have ceremonies. We have surgeries.
A ceremony is a symbolic act that marks something that has already happened, like a graduation ceremony. Nothing really changes from before to after. Graduation took place when you passed the exams. The ceremony only celebrates it. If you missed it, you are still a graduate.
A surgery, on the other hand, is not symbolic. You have to be there, and you come out different.
Judaism doesn’t deal in symbols. We deal in realities. Our rituals are spiritual operations.
Take a bris. The child is not the same before and after. He is physically circumcised and spiritually bound in a covenant with G-d. That is not a ceremony. It’s spiritual surgery.
The same is true of a wedding. The chuppah is not a ceremony. It is a spiritual operation. Under the canopy, the souls of the bride and groom are fused into one. Beyond the emotional bond that already exists, a new connection is formed, a metaphysical bond on the level of souls. You arrive at the chuppah as two, and you leave as one.
This bond is lasting. Even if the couple lives apart, their souls remain linked. To dissolve that spiritual bond, another operation is needed, a Get, a Jewish divorce. The Torah calls divorce k'ritut, a cutting off. It severs the soul connection.
The relationship may have ended long ago, but without a Get the souls are still joined. This means your soul cannot fully connect with another until the previous bond is released. And it also means that when his soul leaves this world, yours feels it too.
That’s because Jewish mourning is also not a ceremony. It is the soul’s response to loss. Close family members are joined by blood and by spirit. When one of them passes, their soul leaves this world and draws with it a part of those who were connected to them. We grieve not only their absence, but also the part of our own soul that has gone with them. This is why we must mourn even estranged relatives or separated spouses. The emotional bond may not be there. The spiritual bond is.
He is gone now, and with him has gone that part of your soul that was tied to his. You do need to sit Shiva, not so much for him, but for the part of you that was bound to him and is now released.
May this bring you closure and peace. His soul has graduated to somewhere up there. You can do the same down here below.
Sources
Zohar, Part II, 102b Arizal Shaar Hamitzvos Parshas Vayechi Talmud Shabbos 106a “When one of the team dies, the entire team should mourn.”