24 October 2025
Question
If the point of marriage is to connect with your soulmate, how were men allowed to marry more than one woman in biblical times? And what changed to make polygamy forbidden? (I’d be happy with one wife, that’s hard enough to find…)
Answer
The Torah is a unique balance of ideal and reality.
Ideally, we should all marry our soulmate. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, one man and one woman, perfectly made for each other.
But we are not in the Garden of Eden. We live in a jungle, a messy and imperfect world. Just surviving is an achievement. So the Torah had to be practical.
The mitzvah of marriage is pru urvu, be fruitful and multiply. Yes, marriage is about uniting soulmates. But it is also about creation, bringing new life into the world. The future belongs to those who are there to live it. The stated goal of marriage is propagation.
That is why the Torah tolerated polygamy. In the early days of our nation, continuity was not a given. Many men fell in battle or died from harsh conditions, creating a numerical imbalance between men and women. Some women faced infertility with no medical help, leaving them no chance to build a family. Polygamy was not ideal, but it was merciful. It gave every woman the possibility of a home and allowed the nation to endure.
But that was never meant to be permanent. The Torah’s preference for monogamy is clear. Wherever the Torah speaks of polygamy, trouble follows. It was always the exception, not the rule.
Over a thousand years ago, the leader of Ashkenazi Jewry, Rabbeinu Gershom, recognized that the time had come to live the Torah’s original vision: one man, one woman, one home, one soul. He banned polygamy, and that remains the accepted practice to this day.
We are blessed to live in an age when survival is not our only goal. Marriage can now reflect its deeper purpose, not only to sustain life but to share life. Still, we must not forget what comes first. The mitzvah is to bring life into the world, whether by having children yourself or by being part of a community that nurtures them.
So when seeking a partner, look for someone who shares your values, your purpose, and your vision for life. Someone you can respect, who will respect you. Someone you would want to build a family with.
It is nice if you are soulmates. But first make sure you are mates.
