21 August 2026
Question
I have something weighing on my conscience. I said very hurtful words to a friend some years ago and I never apologized. We drifted and went our separate ways, but I always felt bad about it, and decided that next time we see each other I'm going to own up to my wrongdoing. Sadly, that friend died last week and I never had the chance to apologize. I know it's too late but is there anything I can do about it?
It is very painful to hold on to guilt for years. It is even more painful to think that you may have to hold on to that guilt for the rest of your life.
But the truth is you don't. While it is preferable to make amends with someone we have wronged to their face and in their lifetime, it is still possible to do so after their death.
Jewish law stipulates a specific procedure for asking forgiveness from the departed:
Go to the grave of the one you hurt, along with ten other people.
Humbly remove your shoes and say out loud:
"I have sinned before the G-d of Israel, and before [name of the departed] whom I have wronged."
You don't need to go into graphic detail, but you do need to expressly state the wrong you’ve done, unless that would be disrespectful to the dead.
Then, the ten people present say, "You are forgiven. You are forgiven. You are forgiven."
And you are.
You may ask: how do we know the departed forgives? How can ten other people speak on behalf of the dead? Maybe they don’t agree?
Not possible. If your apology is sincere, it will be accepted. Your friend is now in the world of truth. In that world there is no pettiness, small-mindedness, vindictiveness, or cruelty. In heaven there is no room to hold a grudge.
Yom Kippur is approaching. It's the right time to give and ask for forgiveness. Our Father in Heaven is always ready to forgive. Your friend in heaven will too.
Sources
Talmud Yoma 87a
Shulchan Aruch 606:2
Shulchan Aruch Harav 606:5
Aruch Hashulchan 606:4
Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 131:5