7 January 2005
Question
I was reading some of the responses you have given and thought that maybe you can help me with this big challenge I have in my life.
I am turning 28 real soon - I have come to a point in my life that I am willing to settle down. BUT....I am homosexual and have been since I was 15 years old. I do want to be a husband and a father, but I am not attracted to women.
I know the Torah forbids homosexuality, but what am I supposed to do??
Answer
I feel for you in your most challenging situation. You are facing a huge inner battle. Your attraction to men and your desire to marry and have children are both real feelings. I commend your bravery to face these issues.
Sadly, many in our society have closed off options for people in your situation. The more closed-minded and dogmatic sectors of society like to put people in boxes. If someone experiences same-sex attractions, they are immediately labeled as gay. They are told - by health professionals and amateur experts alike - that they were born that way, and that's how they will be forever. There is only one option offered - accept it.
This is a very limited view. It ignores the fact that thousands have been able to overcome same-sex attractions and lead a completely heterosexual life. Through counseling and a lot of hard work, those determined to move away from the gay lifestyle have done so, and the therapists involved have seen very high success rates.
They are real people. I have met them. I have read their stories. And I stand in awe of their inner strength. They are true heroes who have conquered both their own urges and the false messages given them by the world around them.
You may not have chosen to be gay, but you can choose not to be gay. In a society that promotes freedom and liberty, you deserve to be given the facts so you can make your own choices. You can only make that choice if you are aware that there is a choice in the first place. You have options, and if you want to live according to Torah ideals, you can do it.
You can't just ignore your feelings and get married. That is dangerous, unfair and rarely works. You need to work your feelings out. It will not be an easy or quick process, but it's worth it, both for you and for the rest of us. For you will have deepened your self-knowledge and become the person you want to be. And the world needs more caring and loving people like you to be fathers and husbands.
